Bringing New Meaning to Flushing Your Career Down the Toilet
A Dallas detective was fired Thursday after investigators concluded that she stole toilet paper and paper towels on at least three occasions last fall from the northeast patrol station.
Complete Story

If you don't read the rest of the story, basically, the thieving cop was ratted out by her fellow cops. All the stuff she's accused of stealing is worth less than nine dollars.

This is so awesome. I can't believe someone would steal so much of that crappy (no pun intended) government toilet paper. It's not very soft and I believe it's one-ply. I'd rather spend the extra money getting my Charmin Big Rolls.
Posted by E
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It's Sunday, That Means Men of the Week!
Michael Mann
Johnathan, done w/the bar exam
Thomas, also finishes the bar exam
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, bans the word "pizza". HAHAHAHA!

Snippet From Stiles: He's A Gringo
"I was a hall monitor in fourth grade and this kid named Juan was fucking up and so I wrote his name down on a sheet of paper and took it to the teacher. She embarrasses me in front of the whole class when she goes, "Matt, 'Juan' is spelled J-U-A-N and not W-O-N". I was traumatized by that Juan thing."
Posted by E
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May not be blogging at regular frequency this week. For some reason I feel really busy lately. I don't know if it's the unpaid bills or the unpaid speeding ticket or the uncleaned apartment or the unserviced car that's getting to me but suddenly my life feels overwhelming. I could turn to a pharmaceutical option, but that's going pretty far just to avoid cleaning.
Posted by E
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Update: The Smoochiversary Card Competition
Yeah, I was schooled. Planning for next year's card must begin immediately.
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Time to Bring My A-Game
Tomorrow is the annual "Hu-Stiles Smoochiversary Card Competition". Instead of buying gifts to celebrate our anniversary, we started a construction paper card-making throw down. Basically the only rule is the card must be made on a 8" by 11" sheet of construction paper. (Last year I used a hugeass piece of cardstock and got promptly disqualified.)

But what you create on that construction paper is where the competition gets tough. Last year, Stiles went glitter/letters-cut-out-from-magazines/fuzz ball CRAZY! I used photos, my slamma jamma poetry skills, and the precision bubble letters I perfected in second grade.

I have to admit, Stiles has been psyching me out all week. Apparently his card has "some" assembly required before we present tomorrow. I tried to throw in a "supplemental love letter" component to help my chances, but he ruled that out, citing last year's no-supplements precedent. So we shall see... may the best construction paper card artist win!
Posted by E
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Men of the Wacky Week
David Hasselhoff
New blogger friends Tim and Doug
Perry, Britney's "manny"

Snippet from Stiles: The Big Picture
Me: I know it's not that bad, I COULD be in Iraq or something.
Stiles: Yeah, your village could be attacked by a Shiite militia right now.
Posted by E
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Just Plame Gorgeous
Since she's all exposed now and I see her on TV all the time, I've started to wonder why Valerie Plame was a government employee in the first place. She's so... hot! Why work at the CIA when you could star on MTV's reality show, "The Hills"? She looks like most of the girls on that show. OR they could do a Washington spinoff called "The Hill"... no?
Posted by E
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Its formal name is The Peachoid. Its practical purpose is to serve as a water tower. But it serves an ASSthetic purpose far beyond our greatest expectations.

How have I gone two years in SC without blogging about this ASStounding wonder of wonders?
Posted by E
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The American Airlines Response Card: Lost in Translation
Who knew blogging about the nonresponse would lead to a response! Only... I got a nonresponse response. It was a postcard:
Dear "Valued" Customer:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us as we consider feedback from our customers to be very important.
TRANSLATION: Thanks for adding to our pile of complaints we'll never have time to get to.

We are currently experiencing a higher than normal volume of correspondence...
TRANSLATION: We laid off most of the customer relations team and four people are handling all the mail...

Consequently our response to your letter may take a little longer than usual.
TRANSLATION: Expect a response either a.) after your kids graduate from college or b.) when the War in Iraq is over, whichever comes first.

You'll hear from us again just as soon as possible.
TRANSLATION: Just remember, time is relative.
Posted by E
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No Wonder It's Called AMERICAN Airlines
Two weeks ago, at DFW Airport, I encountered a bitchy AA employee at the counter near my gate. I was waiting to ask her something when an Asian lady who spoke in broken English rushed up and explained she was late to a flight.

Bitchy AA chick checked her computer, points at the next gate and says, "It's one gate over, GO! GO!" and scares off Asian lady.

She then got on her phone, called the gate agent next door and said, "There's a woman on her way to you, do you see her? That Oriental woman." (Note: I am standing there the whole time. Note: I am "Oriental".)

Most of the time I let "Oriental" slide. But this was said in a bitchy, demeaning way, by a gate agent in a major US city who, by nature of her job, probably comes across people of several ethnic groups and should know better.

So I wrote AA a letter the next day and included homegirl's name and the gate and all other pertinent information.

But they never responded. Guess Gerard Arpey doesn't care about yellow people.
Posted by E
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She Tests It Out, So You Don't Have To
Remember that scientific method thing we learned about it elementary school? A sassy new blogger is applying the scientific method to dating and sex.

Crash Test Dating features experiments with dudes who have no idea they are being used as lab rats. If you've ever wanted to know what it's like to try and have a one night stand in the most conservative town in North Carolina, or publicly make out with a stranger at a friend's wedding, or if you've already done these things and wanted to compare notes, Crash Test Dating is for you.
Posted by E
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Dispatch From Crazyville

I was wrong about Hero Con being different than IRE. Both had groups of geeky people sharing obscure passions. At IRE, it was a love for the powers of Microsoft Access, at Hero Con, a love for special powers in general. Both featured tragic wardrobes -- at IRE, a lot of short-sleeve button-down shirts, at Hero Con, graphic tees. At neither convention would you have been able to find any college Greeklife coordinators.

We talked to a lot of independent comic book writers and illustrators. Approximately none had well-developed social skills. One guy was more communicative than the rest, and we were so inspired by that that we bought all three issues of his comic, Lackluster World.

The main character in Lackluster World is a sarcastic newspaper journalist named Fahrenheit who lives alone with his cat and says "fuck" a lot. Coincidentally, my man Stiles is a sarcastic newspaper journalist who lives alone with his cat and says "fuck" a lot, so I feel like I should be written into the series as Fahrenheit's girlfriend.
Posted by E
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Men of the Week: A Hodge Podge
Comic book writer Eric Adams
Chuck Klosterman
The guy who canceled Rita's show
Andre Bauer

Snippet from Stiles: Runoff Edition
"So, get this. His real name is RUDOLPH ANDREAS BAUER. Which makes the little accent over the "e" in Andre even more ridiculous."
Posted by E
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Victory is Mine
My nemesis, Rita Cosby, got her show canceled! Hope the 37 viewers of "Live and Direct" find something to fill the void. I hear "The O'Reilly Factor" is excellent.

Com-ventioning it
I am about to take off with The Robot and Hasser for my first comic book convention. I expect it won't be much like IRE.
Posted by E
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