Free at Last! Free at Last!
Am I dreaming? I think I just successfully canceled my cell phone account with evil, Satan money-stealing, baby-killing Sprint. (Okay, I added that last one, but it's plausible.)

After being on hold for twenty minutes...
Me: I need to cancel my account because I don't have service at my house.
Them: Oh, no. I'm sorry to hear that. Are you aware of the $50 discount on your next bill for staying with us?
Me: I cannot make or receive calls from the place where I live. I do not want my account anymore.
Them: I'm really sorry to hear that, you've been such a good customer since 1999. Your contract isn't up until January so there's an early termination fee.
Me: What? It's not even my choice to cancel! I do NOT have service at my HOUSE! What if I had an emergency at my house and needed to call 9-1-1? I wouldn't be able to, because you don't provide service at my house.
Them: Again, I'm really sorry to hear that, ma'am.

Eventually they let me cancel without the fee. I can't really believe this happened! They've had me over a barrel for so many years that I don't know how I'll adjust to my new, Sprint-free life.